Left behind in the workplace?

As result of the down turn in the economy a number of people who still have their jobs are finding themselves facing increased demands. The saying "do more with less" is being applied on their jobs. The work must still be done and many things are being pushed on those left behind.

I conditions like these time and stress management become even more important. When I was in management I often found myself facing multiple deadlines. I had to go back to the basics, and do triage on what HAD TO BE DONE. I have some Attention Deficit traits and I have to work extra hard to stay focused, especially when I am doing something I don't really like to do. I took advantage of the technology available to set up task lists, with reminders in my PDA/phone and on my computer, but simple lists can work just fine. I have had to work on saying no sometimes to new tasks. I learned to look for short cuts to automate repetitive tasks, such as preparing boiler plates of documents and then just making changes to make it fit the specific need.

I meetings I would have an agenda to maintain focus and use time wisely. Who has not sat through a lengthy meeting which never seems to go anywhere? Knowing how to keep the discussion on target, coming up with solutions, resolving the issues and feeling like the time was well spent is very satisfying.

Stress management under these pressures is critical. Even when you are too busy make time for self care. Taking breaks, exercise, working on hobbies and time with loved ones can provide a feeling of renewal.

Learning to challenge our negative feelings and beliefs is very important to maintaining a good attitude for yourself and others. Many of my clients tell me about the toxic nature of their work place. It is easy to buy into these negative attitudes. In the end what does it accomplish to just look at the bad things? By challenging your own beliefs and refusing to take part in these pity parties you can be in control of your own feelings about what is happening. Learn to look for solutions and focus on what is good, what works, etc.

Find someone you can talk with who can be objective and help you cope with the frustrations and challenges in your work place. Some days you have to remind yourself you are lucky you have a job. If it is really unbearable maybe it is time to reassess your situation. What things can you change? What things do you need to learn to cope with? Be a problem solver (at least for yourself) by putting your energy where it can do you some good.

You can contact me at mark@independencecounselor.com

Career coaching

As the job market tightens my background in management and counseling could be helpful to someone looking for a job and/or trying to make a change.

In my past role in management I read countless resumes and hired many people. Many of them where poorly written and failed to communicate the applicant's strengths relevant to the position. Personally I found a cover letter which addressed the applicant's interest in the position along with specific skills and experience spelled out as related to our opening very helpful. Once in the interview some candidates would stumble and not convince me they where the best candidate for the position.

Once on the job many people struggle to manage the adjustment to the new organization and to manage their time, goals and priorities. A large number of my client struggle with burnout from the pressures of work and personal life.

As career coach I will work with you on a regular basis to take charge of your career. Please contact me for more information via email: mark@independencecounselor.com about ways I can help you.

Stress, fear and anxiety

Stress is a major concern facing most of us today. We have so many things coming at us every day, all day long. In addition anxiety is building up for most of us because of our nation's economic woes. Fear is building as more and more people worry about what will happen next.

What can you do? For me my Faith in God will help me get though these difficult times. Over and over God has been there with me as I have faced difficulties. Remembering how God has gotten me through past difficulties I can count on him to be there now and in the future. So by taking time to reflect on past experiences and on Scripture gives me Faith and Hope God will be with me now.

Meditation, prayer and relaxation techniques can be combined to help us become aware of the presence of God. Take a few minutes to reflect on a passage of scripture. Find a quite place, close your eyes and let your body relax, gently tighten and relax your muscles. In your mind picture a pleasant relaxing place or experience. For me I like to go back to a time when I was in a small sail boat, all alone on a beautiful mountain lake and the water was crystal clear. The temperature was perfect and there was a gentle breeze. Then I picture dropping my worries over the side of the boat and watching them sink into the depths of the water. Then I lie back in the boat and have a conversation with God. Being aware of the need to listen to God.

One of my favorite books on the subject of meditation is Jon Kabat-Zinn's: Wherever You Go There You Are.

What do you mean be thankful?

This Thanksgiving it will be hard for some to find things to be thankful about. The news is full of stories about the government's efforts to keep the economy from collapsing, hard working people trying to make a living, families loosing their homes, a wars that go on and on and the bad news goes on and on. In my practice I listen to people with serious health issues, with emotional problems and relationships falling apart.

How can we be thankful when there are so many bad things going on? What can I say to a person facing difficult times? I begin by suggesting they remember to find the things they can be thankful for. The Bible tells us over and over to give thanks.
Psalm 106:1
Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

When Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving a National Holiday the Civil War was still going on and many wondered what they had to be thankful for.

As we go through life we often view the world as it looks from the window of a train going down the tracks. What we see is limited to just what is outside the window from the tracks. We need to remember God sees the world like an eagle high in the sky. God is able to take in the whole scheme of things and yet see the smallest details of our lives. If we seek God's perspective we can see the whole picture of our lives and the lives of those around us. By doing this we can begin to make sense of what is happening to us and and our final destination.

In my own life I can look back now at the difficult times and see how God used those experiences to strengthen my faith and to help me to have better understanding of what others are going through. In the end the difficult times prepared me to be a better counselor. What are the difficult times preparing you for?

As we begin to find the things we can be thankful for it can help us find healing in our hearts and peace can fill out heart and soul. Try taking just 15 minutes to pray, to listen to God and give thanks each day for the next month.

If you take my challenge email me, mark@independencecounselor.com, or post your comments here about what happens in your life.

Why are you fighting?

A common complaint from couples who come to see me is we argue all the time. “We need help learning how to communicate.” They find themselves in a recurring cycle of having the same basic arguments over and over and nothing seems to get resolved.

 

The typical response from counselors is to teach the couple how to communicate better and how to use anger management techniques.  While using the right technique and choice of words is important I have found learning communication skills alone is sometimes like only putting a band aide on a wound that still has dirt in it. The wound will fester and become infected.

 

I have found it is necessary to take a look at what is beneath the surface. We need to take the time to examine the beliefs and feelings behind the arguments.  Are you getting angry because you are feeling controlled or threatened?  Are you feeling hurt because the same thing keeps happening over and over?  Do you feel hurt because the other person is not listing to you?  Are you afraid if you speak up there will be an argument, so you don’t say any thing until you can’t take it any more and explode?

 

I challenge my clients to examine their beliefs and feelings. Then they need to bring them out in the open and talk about what is going on not just in their head but in their heart and in their gut. By doing so it can reduce the hidden real wounds and help you get to the real causes of the argument.

 

 

Other times we make assumptions about others based on our own assumptions about what is going on without asking for clarification. We then react based on these assumptions rather than asking “what did you mean when you said -----? “ For example, the husband causally announces “I am going on a fishing trip next month with my buddies.” The wife’s gets angry because she assumes he has forgotten about their anniversary (again) and responds in anger “Hell no you aren’t going fishing!” and the argument is on. Instead the wife could respond by asking for more information about the fishing trim and remind him about their anniversary.

 

By learning to take a step back and examine what went wrong the last time and then thinking about their emotions, beliefs and assumptions couples can learn to solve problems and more important recognize what is behind arguments that never get resolved.  

 

Mark L. Smith, MA, LCP, LCSW

 

Quirks and all

One of the things it takes to make a relationship work is learning to accept each other quirks and all. We all have our own way of doing things. Some of us need to keep things organized, while others don’t really care. Some of us are outgoing while others want to keep to themselves.

I have noticed many times people with opposite traits come together in relationships. In the beginning these opposite traits made the other appealing to us (“it’s so cute that you have to alphabetize the cds by artist!”, but as time goes by the differences can become irritants (“why can’t I put the cds in the holder any way I want?”). It takes love to help us remember why we thought that was cute in the first place. This same compulsiveness can come out in ways I appreciate, such as my wife being a good cook.

Sometimes we do need to talk with our beloved about the things that get on our nerves, but with love we can learn to be tolerant and sometimes even get the differences to work for you. Can the differences balance each of you out, resulting in a synergy where the sum of the parts is stronger than logic would dictate?

Remaining friends

I have noticed people who are still in happy relationships after many years are still freinds. Over and over I have couples who say they have just become like roommates.

A question I often ask couples when they first come in for counseling is "what brought you together in the first place?" What I usually hear about are the fun things they did together when they were dating. They would go out and listen to music, talk for hours, dance, go hiking, go biking, spend time with friends, travel, etc.

Then after they have been married a while they get into a rut. They get too busy with work, children, household chores and the like. They forget how to have fun together. They don't make time to talk and when they do it is about household business not each other. This leads to feelings of emptiness and feeling alone.

I recall a story I heard when I was in training to become a counselor about a group of clergy questioning an old priest about why there where so few people in his church getting divorced. His reply was he would not marry anybody without getting them to promise him that no matter what else happened they would go out on a date with each other, without the kids, at least once a month.