Sexy seniors?

The August 23 New England Journal of Medicine reported on a study of the sexual activity of older adults.

http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/abstract/357/8/762

“Conclusions Many older adults are sexually active. Women are less likely than men to have a spousal or other intimate relationship and to be sexually active. Sexual problems are frequent among older adults, but these problems are infrequently discussed with physicians.”

Many reacted with surprise about how much grandpa and grandma where getting it on. As a sexually active grandpa I am not surprised in the least. I just heard about a couple both in their 70’s who are having quality sex nearly everyday! What makes me sad is how many people of all ages do not have a good sex life.

The article points out these problems are infrequently discussed with their physicians. I am not sure how many people have the kind of relationship with their physician where they can talk openly about sex. Also too many MD’s treat only the physical problem but ignore the emotional and sexual aspects.

As a counselor I believe sexual dissatisfaction is a symptom of deeper problems in the relationship. There is a huge difference between SEX and making LOVE.

In a purely sexual relationship there are different expectations. The focus is more about sexual gratification and not necessarily about emotional connection. While there is nothing wrong with this I think sex without a strong emotional commitment is like having an piece of apple pie without the ice cream on top!

Sex in a loving committed relationship is so much more. The people who come into my office complaining about their sex life are usually in broken relationships where they no longer feel emotionally imamate with their partner. They have become more friends or sometimes more like roommates with their partner. The emotional intimacy is gone or lacking. They feel like they cannot trust their partner with their deep feelings. They no longer have fun together (in or out of the bed).

Research by John Gottman, has found that couples do not always need to agree on everything. What is important is how they disagree. If your partner belittles, doesn’t take your serious, attacks or blames you when you are expressing your feelings it builds barriers in the relationship which can lead to a lack of sexual desire which can cause even more distance, thus causing a dysfunctional cycle to take hold in the relationship.