Trust takes many forms

Trust takes many forms

One of the foundation blocks of our relationships is trust. Without trust relationships fall apart. How can we love someone if we can't trust them?

I think about how trusting young children are at first. When you see them playing on a play ground they will quickly strike up a conversation with other children who join them in play. Children in the store will smile at people they encounter. However, adults quickly teach them to fear strangers and the trust begin to go away.

Life teaches us not to trust. As we grow up and encounter the hurts from others who do not accept us we loose even more of our trust. I once worked in a counseling program for school aged children and I noticed how many of the children we saw were between twelve and fifteen years old. As I began to look about the kinds of problems they had I realized most of them were depressed. I began to reflect on the things they would talk about in their counseling sessions. Their world was changing as they made the transition from being children to young adulthood. Many of them were having trouble figuring out who they could trust. Peers who had been their friends in grade school could no longer be counted on. Friendships would end over minor disputes. They would tell other children a secret and then the next day find the whole school talking about it. Their relationships with their parents were in flux as they went from being a little child to becoming an adult. They were finding they could not tell their parents everything. This is also the age where romantic relationships with intense emotions begin, sometimes only to end abruptly.

By the time we are adults some of us are not sure who we can trust and we are afraid to tell others, including our partners what we really think and feel. This can be especially frustrating in love relationships where we long to be understood and trusted. We expect the other person to know what we are thinking, feeling and needing, but our fears keep us from talking about our needs.

We are afraid to trust our lovers to always be there with us. In our society with its belief in romantic love the media is full of people falling in love and they can not control their desires (lust) for anther so they runaway with them. We see people who blindly follow their desires and have affairs and/or end there relationship for a new person. It is hard to trust if we don’t think our partner is committed to the relationship.

A world without trust is a fearful and lonely place. A home with out trust is a miserable place. I see many people who feel isolated and alone in the world. Their friends and family are not there for them to talk with and care about them. They do not have anyone to care for. Our cities are full of people who are strangers.

What should we do then?

We need to become more accurate in our judgment of others. We can look for clues to help us determine who we can trust. We need to find people and places where we can feel a connection and trust. We need to develop a trusting relationship with God.

Starting with your self ask these questions:

Are you a trustworthy person?

Do you always tell the truth?

Do you keep your promises?

Do you cherish the hearts of those in your life?

Do you really listen to those you care about?

Do you practice the golden rule “do unto others as you would have others do unto you”?

Sexy seniors?

The August 23 New England Journal of Medicine reported on a study of the sexual activity of older adults.

http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/abstract/357/8/762

“Conclusions Many older adults are sexually active. Women are less likely than men to have a spousal or other intimate relationship and to be sexually active. Sexual problems are frequent among older adults, but these problems are infrequently discussed with physicians.”

Many reacted with surprise about how much grandpa and grandma where getting it on. As a sexually active grandpa I am not surprised in the least. I just heard about a couple both in their 70’s who are having quality sex nearly everyday! What makes me sad is how many people of all ages do not have a good sex life.

The article points out these problems are infrequently discussed with their physicians. I am not sure how many people have the kind of relationship with their physician where they can talk openly about sex. Also too many MD’s treat only the physical problem but ignore the emotional and sexual aspects.

As a counselor I believe sexual dissatisfaction is a symptom of deeper problems in the relationship. There is a huge difference between SEX and making LOVE.

In a purely sexual relationship there are different expectations. The focus is more about sexual gratification and not necessarily about emotional connection. While there is nothing wrong with this I think sex without a strong emotional commitment is like having an piece of apple pie without the ice cream on top!

Sex in a loving committed relationship is so much more. The people who come into my office complaining about their sex life are usually in broken relationships where they no longer feel emotionally imamate with their partner. They have become more friends or sometimes more like roommates with their partner. The emotional intimacy is gone or lacking. They feel like they cannot trust their partner with their deep feelings. They no longer have fun together (in or out of the bed).

Research by John Gottman, has found that couples do not always need to agree on everything. What is important is how they disagree. If your partner belittles, doesn’t take your serious, attacks or blames you when you are expressing your feelings it builds barriers in the relationship which can lead to a lack of sexual desire which can cause even more distance, thus causing a dysfunctional cycle to take hold in the relationship.

When bad things happen to good people

A topic for debate is why do bad things happen to good people. It has long been a topic for discussion and books. Just take a look at the Old Testament story of Job, for example of how long people have been asking this question.

I am not going to pretend know the answer of why bad things happen to us what I want to consider instead is what to do when bad things happen:

1. “Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him.” Psalms 37:7

We spend most of our lives today rushing around and doing things. Our lives are full of worry and stress. We tend to look only what we must do next or lament over the bad things that have happened in the past. We need to take time to look up to God for peace and answers. Very few of us know how to meditate and be still before God. It takes time and practice but the peace, which comes from learning how to be, still is well worth it.

2. In Matthew 6:25 we are told “not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on.“

Anxiety is a major mental health problem in our society. Doctors tell us it leads to high blood pressure and other physical aliments. From a mental health point of view anxiety becomes a useless waste of mental energy. In the end anxiety does nothing to solve the problem(s).

One of the first lessons God taught me nearly 40 years ago was to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day. Matthew 6:33-34.

3. Find others to help you through the difficult times. Family, friends, worshiping with others can help you feel like you are not alone. “And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers.” Acts 2.42

4. Thank God “always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Ephesians 5:19-21 I know this may sound hard to do but when we can learn to put our minds on the things we can be thankful for it can begin to heal our hearts and minds.

5. Spend time reading the Bible, a good place to start is the book of Psalms.

Feel free to email me mark@independencecounselor.com

Why do people cheat?

While sex may be the catalyst to start an affair other factors lead to people continuing in affairs. The sexual excitement and thrill only last a short time. It can be like getting a drug fix. The pleasure can be intense but it is short lived. They also get a high from thinking someone wants them.

For some “innocent” flirting can spin out of control. They get caught up in the excitement and teasing and then the sexual energy and tension builds until they act on it. Others do not know how to handle the sexual attraction they may feel without trying to act on it.

Affairs are about me. A person in an affair is thinking about how to get their own wants and needs meet. They feel better about themselves because other people want them.

For some it is a game to see how many people they can seduce, but then once they “get” the person they move on.

Affairs that continue can come from living in a fantasy world where you do not have to think about the others wants and needs. You feel good about yourself because someone different/ new and exciting is paying attention to you. It is an artificial world where everyday demands can be left outside. A world unlike your marriage, where you may be unhappy and have unmet emotional/physical needs the affair is exciting and fun. Many affairs end when the other starts putting real demands on them to meet emotional needs.

The affair may be a way to avoid facing the emotional pain you are having in your marriage. You may think you would be happy if only you could be with the person you are having the affair with.