DIFFERENT KINDS OF LOVE

How many different kinds of love can you think of?

English uses one word for the many different kinds of love.

* I love chocolate.

* I love my mother.

* I love my friends.

* I love my children.

*I love my wife.

* I love God.

* God loves me.

We use the same word, but different meanings. When it comes to marriage it helps to understand what you mean when you say I love you. The Bible can help us understand these different kinds of love and how to apply them all to have a happier marriage.

The first word for is epithumia which means a strong desire. In relationships this is often the initial love which brings you both together. It is often charged with strong sexual feelings of desire. A wise woman once told me if you put a bean in a large jar each time you have sex the first year of your relationship, you probably would not empty it the rest of the years of your relationship.

The next word for love is eros. It goes beyond the sexual kind of love to include romantic passionate, sensual love. In the Old Testament days there was a tradition where the newly weds took a year just to be with each other and to really get to know each other. This intense desire early in the marriage brings the couple together and can get it off to a good start. This kind of love can fade because it is based on emotion.

The third kind of love is sorge. This is the comfortable, I belong here kind of love. It comes from being together and enjoying each other’s company. It is the kind of love that makes a house a home.

The fourth word for love is phileo. This describes the friendship aspect of love. John Gottman’s research has found this kind of love to be the best predictor of whether or not a couple will remain married. I have rarely seen a couple who have not learned to be friends, no matter what else is going on in their relationship, work out the differences in their marriage. It means learning to accept some things about your spouse that may never change.

For me this includes being able to have fun together. Many couples who come to see me are living separate lives. They do not have common interests to bring them together. I often encourage couples to have a date night, at least once a month to reconnect and have fun, without the children. In some cases couples have only stayed together “for the sake of the children” and the marriage falls apart when the children get older because of the lack of common interests.

It is important for couples to reconnect with each other on a regular basis. It is sad to see a couple who once had long meaningful talks with each other go to not having anything to say to each other day after day. They can not even tell you things about their spouses work, because they don’t talk with each other.

The fifth kind of love is agape. This kind of love is unselfish. It can give and give without expecting anything in return. I think of the parent of a newborn who just loves the child because it is a part of them. You can see the special look in their eyes as they hold and look at their child. What does the baby give in return? Dirty dippers! But does the parent care?

Ed Wheat, in Love Life for Every Married Couple, says “Agape love is of particular significance to those of you who are trying to restore the love you lost. Of all the loves, agape is the one you can bring into your marriage immediately, because it is exercised as a choice of your will and has no dependence on feelings.”

God is the ultimate source of agape love. We need to learn to pray and ask God to let agape love flow through us to be able to give it to others in our lives.

[Adapted from, Love Life for Every Married Couple, Ed Wheat, MD and Gloria Okes Perkins, Zondervan Publishing, 1980. ]