PORN ADDICTION

I have been seeing an alarming trend in our society, addiction to pornography. The Kansas City Star, June 19^th, 2008 had an article stating “there are more than 7,000 computers trading known images of child pornography”. One of my clients stated every woman she knows complains about their husbands looking at porn.

What is going on?

First of all porn is easily available. It can come into our homes anonymously through cable television and through our computers on the internet. You no longer need to seek it out. The men rationalize it is harmless, but is it really? It may be for some but for those I have been talking with it has become a problem. The men are using the porn much like a drug—to alter their mood. It has become an addiction and they are using the porn to make themselves feel better. I have been helping them to understand their use of porn is interfering with their relationship with their wife.

Their wives view porn as degrading, something they can’t compete with and like they are being cheated on. In some cases the thrill seeking behavior has escalated to the man going to strip clubs and actual affairs.

What can be done?

First of all we must look at the fact that anything (alcohol, drugs, porn, etc.) which is causing serious problems in your marriage needs to be looked at as a possible addiction. If you are not able to stop when your partner tells you how much it upsets them then you probably have a problem.

Second you need to understand why you are doing it. What do you get out of looking at the porn? For most the initial reason is the excitement and sexual release. For others it is a symptom of dissatisfaction in their sexual relationship. I believe the underlying motive is it makes them feel better—for awhile. Just like alcohol and drugs viewing porn gets your mind off your negative feelings for a while and it becomes an escape from reality.

If porn is a problem in your relationship you need to try to talk with each other about it. If you can not discuss it on your own you should find someone who can help you. Sometimes the man needs to talk one on one with a counselor to figure out why he can’t stop looking at porn.

I recommend trying The 12 Steps for sex addicts:

Twelve Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous

Sex Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve-step program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. Here are the Twelve Steps of SAA:

1. We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.

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Relationship Tiping Points

In Tipping Points Malcolm Gladwell wrote about how sometimes events can end up making big differences later on. I have seen this happen many times in relationships. Something happens such as the birth of a child, an affair, career set backs, a big argument, grief over the death of a loved one, etc. where the relationship is fractured and the participants begin to drift apart.
Sometimes this hurt has festered for years before a couple comes to see me.

If I can help the couple identify this relationship tipping point and they can learn to heal the hurt often the relationship can be restored. For many the forgiveness this involves is the hardest part. This is especially true where additional hurts have piled on top of the original hurt forming emotional scar tissue. In many cases both partners in the relationship have become defensive in hurtful ways saying mean things to protect their own hearts and it is difficult to figure out where the original hurt began.

By talking about the things and working through the layers of hurt emotional healing can begin. For many the hardest part is to forgive and to learn to trust again. Fears of being hurt can prevent us from forgiving and trusting. At times liked this I encourage couples to both begin to study the principals set forth in the Bible and to use it as a guide for their behavior toward each other.