A common complaint from couples who come to see me is we argue all the time. “We need help learning how to communicate.” They find themselves in a recurring cycle of having the same basic arguments over and over and nothing seems to get resolved.
The typical response from counselors is to teach the couple how to communicate better and how to use anger management techniques. While using the right technique and choice of words is important I have found learning communication skills alone is sometimes like only putting a band aide on a wound that still has dirt in it. The wound will fester and become infected.
I have found it is necessary to take a look at what is beneath the surface. We need to take the time to examine the beliefs and feelings behind the arguments. Are you getting angry because you are feeling controlled or threatened? Are you feeling hurt because the same thing keeps happening over and over? Do you feel hurt because the other person is not listing to you? Are you afraid if you speak up there will be an argument, so you don’t say any thing until you can’t take it any more and explode?
I challenge my clients to examine their beliefs and feelings. Then they need to bring them out in the open and talk about what is going on not just in their head but in their heart and in their gut. By doing so it can reduce the hidden real wounds and help you get to the real causes of the argument.
Other times we make assumptions about others based on our own assumptions about what is going on without asking for clarification. We then react based on these assumptions rather than asking “what did you mean when you said -----? “ For example, the husband causally announces “I am going on a fishing trip next month with my buddies.” The wife’s gets angry because she assumes he has forgotten about their anniversary (again) and responds in anger “Hell no you aren’t going fishing!” and the argument is on. Instead the wife could respond by asking for more information about the fishing trim and remind him about their anniversary.
By learning to take a step back and examine what went wrong the last time and then thinking about their emotions, beliefs and assumptions couples can learn to solve problems and more important recognize what is behind arguments that never get resolved.
Mark L. Smith, MA, LCP, LCSW
